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Arguing, Anger and Blame in Relationships

Why It Doesn't Work and Will Never Get You What You Want!


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Relationships can be the cause of tension and upset for many women. If you find yourself losing your cool or getting wound up because a man is not acting as you think he should then you need to read this. You see, whilst anger is the response that many women use, it is rarely effective. If you lose your temper with your man, you will rarely get what you want. You will simply drive an even bigger wedge between the two of you. Find out why it is important to learn some self-control in order to get what you want in relationships.

Blame is Not the Answer

If you find yourself blaming your man for all the things that are wrong in your relationship, then you need to stop and take stock. What has happened to the love, gratitude and appreciation you felt in the beginning of the relationship? Often love seems to be eroded by the everyday problems which creep in and disturb our peace of mind. However, blame is not the answer.

Bad Habits

Often the responses we feel to certain words and actions (or inactions) by our man are just our own habits of mind which we have built up over many years. They come not from our current partner's behaviour but from all the events that have happened in our relationships with parents and previous partners over our whole life. They are our own belief system causing a pre-conditioned response to events similar to those we have experienced in the past. What you feel is your own personal reaction to something and this is therefore not the fault of somebody else.

This is Where Your Power Lies!

When you blame someone else, you put yourself in the role of victim and take a position of powerlessness. When you accept your own internal pain as yours to deal with, you can begin to take responsibility for it and eradicate it. When something cannot be changed, you decide whether you will tolerate it or let it go. That is where your power lies. You also decide whether to be angry, or sad, or hurt; although for most of us this is unconscious so we are not in control of our reactions. But with awareness this can be developed. When you become more aware, you set your boundaries and you decide how to react.

Bad Behaviour

When someone pushes our buttons and we don't take responsibility for our own reactions then we generally behave badly, as a spoilt child trying to get their own way. We (often selfishly) put our needs and priorities above those of our partner and we don't consider what he wants. It is a human response to put ourselves first when we are in pain and we tend to do this automatically. We can only stop this when we become aware of our triggers and reactions. We must own our pain and deal with it, rather than stuffing it away where it will be stored up to create problems for us in the future, such as rocky relationships or illness.

Take a Step Back

When you feel yourself responding in anger to something that happens in your life, start to notice and take a step back before this takes control of your responses. When we respond out of pain, we are more likely to alienate our partner rather than get them to respond in the ways that we want. Anger is highly unlikely to solve a problem and I am sure that we have all felt that feeling of foolishness after we have calmed down from an uncontrolled outburst.

Better Communication

Therefore walk away from the problem until you are in a better position to communicate clearly. Calm down and think about the underlying issues involved here. Why are your needs so important that they take priority over his? Is there a better way that you can approach the issue which might make him more receptive to what you want. It really can pay to throw in some compliments and appreciation before you ask directly for what you want without blame and recrimination. You must listen to your partner's side of the story and be prepared to compromise. If you insist on having it all your own way you are likely to meet with resistance.

The Way Forward

When you learn to take a pause between your internal reaction and your external reaction, you are better able to stay calm and negotiate what you want. This will not happen when you use blame and attack, as this is a form of bullying which all but the weakest of people will resist. Respect and understanding are essential ingredients in strong, secure relationships. So, stop blaming, stop attacking, and start to become aware of the real reasons why you feel and react as you do. Communicating your needs in ways that work is the only way to get what you want in relationships.


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