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Highly recommended reading for anyone who has any kind of issues in their relationship (i.e. everyone!)

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This woman is amazing! She knows what she is talking about. Check out her books and audios.


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Learning to Deal with Anger in Relationships

Ineffective Arguing Will Never Solve the Real Issues


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Most relationships have issues. Living in such close proximity to someone is bound to push our buttons and bring our unresolved fears to the surface. It would be a very rare relationship where conflict between 2 people never arises and therefore, it is good to have the skills for handling this. However, if you generally express relationship anger ineffectively, then the real issues will never be dealt with and eventually the relationship will start to break down under the strain.

What is Our Anger Trying to Tell Us?

Anger is a signal that something is wrong in our relationships and often it is not the issue that is immediately apparent. So, when we feel angry we should sit up and take note. What is our anger trying to tell us? Many of our issues go a lot deeper such as back to childhood or to previous relationships. So when we feel our anger rising we need to try and work out what is behind this. What are our underlying needs that are not being met? And how can we get them met without alienating or manipulating our partner?

Why the Real Issues Go Unresolved

Many people, especially women, are not good at dealing with their anger and, instead of asking for their needs to be met in a way that brings about more intimacy, they instead trigger resistance and anger from their partner by allowing themselves to be pulled into ineffective patterns of fighting and arguing. If you are trying to convince him of something then he is bound to resist. Arguing and blame will not work in getting our needs met in relationships. They will simply put our man on the defensive and we will fight over how unloved, invalidated, or ignored we both feel. In this way the real issues are never dealt with and the relationship becomes just a little bit less stable every time.

Getting Your Needs Met

To have great relationships, we must learn to deal with our anger effectively. This involves working out our needs and feelings and then stating them in a clear and blame-free way. It is much more effective to say "When you did that, I felt this" than "You made me feel bad". We can then negotiate over whether if and how our needs can be met. It is unreasonable to expect a man to meet all our needs and make all our problems go away. However most men can't help but respond to their woman when she is in pain - as long as they don't feel blamed and as long as their needs are being taken into account too. This is one of the ways to foster intimacy in a relationship.

Keeping Him On Our Side

Do bear in mind that men have a tendency to offer solutions and we may need to ask him simply to listen so that we can work out your own answers. He may also need time to think about the problem before he can respond. We should also make sure that he knows that we appreciate his support if we want to keep him on our side. If the problem is in the relationship, we should let him know the things we love about the relationship as well as the things that aren't working for us. Keeping cool and calm is essential for good communication. If it starts to get heated then we should reschedule for when we have both calmed down.

Conclusion

Remember the key points - stating our needs, wants and feelings calmly and without blame, and showing appreciation and respect for our partner and his wants and needs. Remember that issues and conflicts are inevitable in most relationships. When we learn how to deal with these, we will be much happier and our relationships will be much stronger. Dealing with issues in a more positive way creates more intimacy in a relationship whilst ineffective patterns of arguing and blame leave the real issues unresolved and eventually put the relationship at risk.


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Are you in a long term committed relationship which isn't as great as you would like and you want to improve it?
Check out "The Woman Men Adore and Never Want to Leave" by Bob Grant.

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